Last night Cisco and I happened to be brushing our teeth at the same time. “Yeah, that’s all paht of it…” If you don’t know that quote, you need to watch this. But only if you’re a grown-up. Just come back here when you’re done.
You’re welcome. So anyway, we were brushing our teeth and Cisco dropped the toothpaste on the floor, and my immediate reaction was annoyance. Seems like my immediate reaction to everything lately is annoyance. Of course that time it was justified, because he clearly dropped the toothpaste on purpose in a passive-aggressive attempt to remind me of how dirty the bathroom floor is.
Ok, so that was an exaggeration, but still, I was annoyed for a second there. And then it flashed in my mind, what if this had happened back before we were married? (Well, it wouldn’t have, because why on God’s good earth would we have been brushing our teeth together ifyouknowwhatImean?) I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. I might have laughed or made a face, but I wouldn’t have dreamed of becoming annoyed by an accident. When you’re with someone you’re crazy about, things like dropping the toothpaste or forgetting to take out the garbage are “endearing quirks”. Take clumsiness. I’ve been clumsy my whole life, and while it has always embarrassed me, I could at least pass it off as “cute” or “she just needs someone to take care of her”, because hey, 75% of movie heroines are, like, so adorably klutzy. It used to work for me, but it’s gotten really old. I don’t want to be clumsy; I don’t think it’s cute. I’m embarrassed that I move in fast, jerky movements and still have no feel for the dimensions of my body. Cisco doesn’t melt in a puddle of adoration when I stub my toes and break glasses. (Not that I fault him, especially since Snert is the same way. The other day he broke three glasses in one fell swoop.)
I know that love changes. I know that it’s not always going to be a video montage of carousel rides and dancing on bubbles or whatever, but I don’t want to become cynical and crusty, either. I don’t want to miss out on the best parts of the best person I know because I’m annoyed all the time. Why do we often give ourselves permission to treat our family worse than we would treat strangers? I’ve found myself too often on the wrong side of the line between “you’re awesome” and “you’re obnoxious”, and what’s really on the bad side of that line is me, alone, brittle and frustrated. When did that happen, and how do I become supple and thankful again?
Supple supple supple.