SpongeBrain CrazyPants

My doctor suspects I have Hashimoto’s, and I am pleased to be so exotic. It’s an autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid, leaving you hypothyroid (and occasionally hyperthyroid, though I haven’t experienced that). Am tired as the dead; hypoglycemic; heart-racey; forgetful. You could cut my brain fog with a knife. Then there are the bouts of semi-apathetic anxiety and weird night vision. A little wikipedia tells me that, left untreated, I could develop a goiter (no, really). Maybe I’ll look like this some day. Will join the circus and scare children for a living.

I’m also on progesterone supplements, which make me high. Yes, I know what it feels like to be high. I have enjoyed many a potent pain killer in my post-surgical history. Part of my brain feebly calls out “This isn’t so good…” but I’m high so I don’t care.

I am straight up stupid now. When Cisco asks me a question, irritation pricks across my skin – annoyance over the sheer amount of effort it will take to form a coherent answer. Writing has become a hold-out. An oasis in the stupor – I sift and sort my thoughts; maybe my brains aren’t quite liquified yet. When they drip out my ears, I’ll have another mess to clean up. Balls.

Everything’s sort of funny lately – it’s so absurd, why not laugh? It will be fixed soon enough. Or not. I told Cisco that I wish he could pack me up in a little suitcase and carry me around. He was intrigued by the possibilities for party conversation: “Have you met my wife, Rose? Why don’t I unlatch my case so she can slosh around and smile vacantly at you?”

The flights of imagination are an amusing up-side. We got our first dog a few weeks ago, and he’s the worst. (Shut up, I know. The boys love him, and he’s very nice for a dog. There.) Shortly after we got him I dreamed that he ran away at a park. After a while, someone pulled up in a car and said, “Is this your dog?” Out hopped a mutt the size of a pony – its coloring just like our stupid Oats. “Yup, that’s him,” Cisco nodded, and I stared dumbly as he unloaded a cow-patty sized gift right in front of me. The pony, not Cisco. Ugh, sorry, this is going nowhere good.

And one more thing. Spiritual enlightenment is positively raining down on me. I scribble things on paper – wonderful, holy things that I don’t want to forget. Potent impressions that momentarily dissipate the haze of idiocy. I discover later that maybe they don’t mean much at all.

At least resignation comes easy when everything is so muffled. Why not offer it up?

Good, now a nap.

Valentine Bragging, How Rude

What about Valentine’s Day?! Any reason to celebrate, look at bright colors, drink prosecco, or paint my nails a snazzy color is alright with me. Cisco and I have never made a big deal out of Valentine’s Day – more out of laziness than protest – but in the last couple of years I’ve warmed to it. Snert helps. The kids loves a holiday.

It’s important to be sweet to people. I need that reminder.

So what did I do? Took a nap, sort of. Made valentines and chocolate-dipped strawberries with Snert. And when Cisco got home he whisked us away to see the Lego movie, and it was super! Best, happiest movie I’ve seen in a long time. Please go see it. You don’t need to have kids.

We picked up Chick Fil-A on the way home, and had it with prosecco. Fancy. We tasted a variety of strange chocolates Cisco had picked up from Walgreens (Peanut butter and banana – ooooo), exchanged valentines, ate our strawberries, and admitted that they were delicious though predictable. By 10:30 Snert was begging to be tucked in, and I was happy to oblige. It was a wonderful evening. Unplanned, un-romantical in the popular sense, but totally awesome.

Everything is awesome!

I dunno, it was happy. And I need to allow more of that in my life. I’m one of those people who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If there’s a choice between cheesy and cynical (Valentine’s day much?) I choose cynical almost every time. Which is really dumb, because Valentine’s day never did anything to me.

I think I used to be one of those people who equated cynicism and sarcasm with enlightenment. “Look at all you happy people, being so stupidly happy. Don’t you know about Hard Stuff, and Sadness? I laugh at life, too, yes, but in a brave, ironic way that shows I really understand how bad it is! Haha!”

Super dumb.

Anyway, I hope you are happy today. I don’t feel super happy a lot of the time. I feel anxious and scared a lot. I’ve been stress eating. This is a good time for that, actually, with the amount of candy in the house. But whatever. I had a super day yesterday. Not because I Toughed It Out, but just because it was given to me.

Thanks, God.