This, Too

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I miss my baby. I miss baby Snert, I miss my baby in Heaven, and I miss the babies I’ve only ever dreamed of. Will only ever dream of.

I am most decidedly infertile. A test a couple of weeks back showed that my lone fallopian tube, the one that we tried to repair a few months ago, is all but totally closed again. There is no more we can do. It is finished.

We will keep praying for a miracle, for it would most surely be a miracle. But until then, it is finished. Holding ma baby. And I miss that, oh, do I.

I’m ok, too. That’s just grace, I know – lots of people praying for us.

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But I had a happy thought and I want to tell it to you, for happy thoughts right now are more precious to me than a thousand cheesecakes: Those baby days, that skin, that bottom-heavy, floppy weight in my arms; those smiles and sneezes and hands on my neck, all of those are. They must be. They are in the mind and heart of my God, who always is, and so they always are. And maybe Heaven is not so much the leaving of these varied happinesses for another, but the Always Is of our happiest times. (And more, yes, of course, much more.)

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If I draw closer to Him Who Is, will those long-ago moments, those sweetest memories, grow not farther away from me but closer?

I’m thinking yes.

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Happy thought, indeed.

My Guy

Cisco’s been really happy lately. I’ve noticed, of course, but other people have, too. It’s odd that it makes an impression at all, because he’s never been an unhappy person – he’s what people call level. I guess he was heavy with life, though. For seven or so years, we forgot how to laugh.

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Life was so… churny that we couldn’t stop treading water long enough to laugh. There were times (for a while there, almost all the times) when the thought of trying to “find joy” left me exhausted. (In hindsight I’m pretty sure I had depression for parts of it, too.) Infertility is as heavy as an elephant around your neck. Or at least your wife’s neck, in which case you’re drowning, too, buddy. Marriage.

It is desperately lonely to lose the joy you take in the one you love. Now, somehow, it’s coming back to us. Laughter and lightness. Oh, but I love laughing with Cisco. He delights me. And laughter makes fondness, and fondness, more laughter.

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What a gift. Damn flipping luxury. It’s been so long.

 

You indeed are my Savior,

and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy.

(Ps 63:8)

 

Cisco and I are not done crying, but we know how to laugh again. Somewhere in there, I don’t even know where, He taught us.

God must be raucous with joy.

 

Psalm 63

O God, you are my God-

it is you I seek!

For you my body yearns;

for you my soul thirsts,

In a land, parched, lifeless,

and without water.

I look to you in the sanctuary

to see your power and glory.

For your love is better than life;

my lips shall ever praise you!

 

I will bless you as long as I live;

I will lift up my hands, calling on your name.

My soul shall be sated as with choice food,

with joyous lips my mouth shall praise you!

I think of you upon my bed,

I remember you through the watches of the night.

You indeed are my savior,

and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy.

My soul clings fast to you;

your right hand upholds me.

 

But those who seek my life will come to ruin;

they shall go down to the depths of the netherworld!

Those who would hand over my life to the sword shall

become the prey of jackals!

But the king shall rejoice in God;

all who swear by the Lord shall exult,

but the mouths of liars will be shut!